Coffee with my friends Reflection and Alone...

I bet you thought this image to be depressing, or sad.  Go on admit it, you probably did. There is shame surrounding feelings of loneliness, and who likes to reflect too much in fear of uncomfortable feelings emerging that you cannot deal with, or face. That said, the house has been still. The kettle is whistling as the water comes to a boil. The coffee is freshly ground. I poured the water onto the filter perched on top of the white china mug. It smelt good.

This month themes of love, beauty, change, endings, politics, Left vs Right, Faith, gifts in all shapes and sizes, the loss of my phone, the loss of 500 telephone numbers, turned out to be liberating from being endlessly connected to Facebook and email alerts. All these thoughts passed through my mind. The theme that gradually emerged is that everything is transient and everything ends and all 'chapters' in life close at some point. I like that about life. I wrote about it in my blog about the Buddha, Linda Evangelista and so forth. If you have not figured it out yet, am intrigued by transcience.

This feels like a very interior day for the mind. I guess am pensive about Dad, his health, and Mum. It is odd being alone, no one around and silent in this moment looking out on the back yard and looking at newly planted flowers. And yet, if I personify alone and make Alone a friend, am very happy in his company. Alone is a 'him' apparently. At that point reflection suddenly materialized as Reflection and he is also a 'him' it transpires.

I realized that my friends Reflection and Alone were with me always in life. They are loyal companions. They are always welcome in my life. They provide space to think and regain perspective on my life. There are those " who am I now?" moments that require only their company. The dialogue is always based in truth, they tend to shatter my illusions and bring me back to reality even when harsh. The loss of my phone cut out a lot of noise. Those that have subsequently reached out to me are clearly meant to be in my life. They thought about me, and did something about it. That is good to know and not to be forgotten. I am in a letting go mode right now. This is a cocooning time. That happens in life often. I found immense peace in the release of people and things recently.

Reflection and Alone got me thinking about family and Britain again. My parents are blessed that for 49 years they have had each other. Their 50th Anniversary is next year!. I cannot honestly say I ever felt loved by a man in the way they love each other. I never felt I was 'special' to them. On reflection it felt like I was more of a passing fancy, like a new handbag to be worn for the moment, to be used, until some thing else came along. An honest feeling that I have no qualms about stating. I feel neither a positive, or negative emotion around this admission. It merely 'is'.

My parents are each others rock. I have always had to be my own. I know am blessed. I grew up knowing what love was because I saw theirs and I am their son. They love me unconditionally. I realize I know no other brand of love then the one I learned from them. That is their legacy and my gift.

While I was saying this to Alone and Reflection over coffee this afternoon, I can see why the men I was in relationships with looking back make me realize this. They were never loved unconditionally by their families. They never felt good enough for them. Religion, usually Christianity, but the first was Jewish, and other basic prejudices were the predictable reasons. That is what they knew of love, and that is what they gave me. I cannot resent this. It just is not what I wanted. I see that very clearly right now, in this very this minute. The coffee is really good too.

I think my two friends Alone and Reflection helped me find my other dear friend that got lost in the noise that has since been silenced. Her name is Still Small Voice. She has a long name, somewhat aristocratic and very elusive as a result. She deigns to show up,  if you know what I mean. Have you met her yet?. She is definitely a 'she'. Sometimes you can only have coffee with Still Small Voice when Reflection and Alone are around. A quiet a shy type I discovered, but when Reflection and Alone are around she soon follows. It is when she shows up that all things fall into place. She shows you the truth of any relationship, circumstance, or change you must make. She is a beautiful mirror that gently shows you what you want to avoid seeing, but she makes you face it in peaceful acceptance of what 'is'. 

So, in that empty room in the image above, one can find three fabulous friends, if you are not running away from silence and such interiors, Alone, Reflection and Still Small Voice and one is therefore never alone. I think I want a second cup of coffee, which will always be my bliss.


Peace.