The Brief Encounter...closure

It is Wednesday 2nd May and I have had my second cup of coffee as usual. The sun is out and it will be a good day. Today is a day of chapters ending and new ones beginning. I was reading this letter to my self this morning. Time has passed since these words were written, but over a year later they have meaning today. I wrote:

"About Love:

The more time that passes the more I know I loved deeply and most rare of all...unconditionally. The more time that passes the more I gain strength from this realization. I accept now that I was not loved deeply, if at all, based on what was revealed in time. A mirage, perhaps.

I have an ability to accept another souls imperfections, not just the pretty picture presented and stand by them. It is easy to stand by a pretty picture. I accept that was not returned to me in love.

Even when a person jumped 'ship' and punched a hole in the 'boat' to make sure they sunk it in vindictive rage, this 'boat' did not sink, it floats. It floats because that is what love does. It sees light in the dark. I know this from experience. I embrace the pain because it is a sign that I loved sincerely. It also allows me to love again. You cannot have one without the other and my heart remains an open vessel, not bitter, but forgiving and without anger. All that remains is love, just love and that knowledge was hard won. It was not something that was learned through joy but rather from a betrayal.

I will never say what exactly created this out of respect. But, I own my self, my truth and I have the right to and will share this insight.It is good to Love . So love some one well today.....life is short!!."

Looking back at these words I can finally see the self loathing in the soul of this person who caused me to write the above. He lived out his story like a broken record. It never changed. The abusive father, the victim child. I was unknowingly cast his 'father' and all the men in his life whom he blamed for everything. He was never responsible for anything. He hated his father. A Christian, bigoted, homophobic man who beat him, or so he claimed. And, yet it was this same man who he forced to support him after all he said about him and did so without shame.

He once said, "if I can conquer you I will gain your strength". I remembered this sentence, it disturbed me then and I understand it now. The reality is this morning he did not conquer me, nor did he gain my strength. No man can do that. That is his delusion. I am whole and complete and own my truth. His lies and hate are his. I do not live with them. He is addicted to his role as 'victim' for it allows him to manipulate and gain sympathy in order to control life and those around him. A passive aggressor. He lives in fear, like many right wing Christians. He never left the family dynamic, despite his best efforts.

What set me free was gaining the wisdom to understand I was merely a player in his script. I was not important. I never mattered. That does not hurt me. I cannot see where his truth begins or ends. The stories change as he needs them to, to serve his purpose. I learned that I lost nothing, the was no 'there' there. That set me free.

My heart was never hurt, there is no scar, only love. After trail by fire he left no mark. I can see the script in his head and I understand it better then most, but it is and will remain his. It is not wise to live with stories for they blind us to the beauty of life. They are illusions. I am at peace but, this is the power of Faith and the love that it brings. I wish him well and hope he finds peace within his own soul. It is funny how things turn to dust and a gentle breeze blows them away. As I said, it is a sunny morning and there is a soft breeze blowing. Life is good.

peace.