When in Rome....a coming out story.....mine!

Many, many, moons and coffees ago in London, long before America was on my horizon, I was that teen who knew he was gay, but had not come out to Mum or Dad.

My parents had gay friends and fought for gay rights from the 1960's. Mum believed that love was blind and all had the right to love. Her sole criteria was simply that you respect those you love and they respect you.

I sit here at my desk looking over my back yard. I look back at my parents with a deep love and an enormous sense of gratitude for them. That grows with each passing year as age, with wisdom, make the gift of them more apparent. The blessing is I tell them , they know this. A day should not end without acknowledging the good a person has been in your life.

Kitchen tables are essential to family life. My coming out moment with Dad was brief and at the kitchen table. I had held long standing resentments towards him growing up. A difficult relationship of my making, not his. It was late and we were drinking tea.

"You know, I think I should do something about my sexuality. I need to get on with it", I said thoughtfully.
"Well, perhaps you should try a woman", Dad said in earnest.
"Perhaps, you should try a man then", I responded without missing a beat.
Silence from the other end of the kitchen table. Dad paused and he looked at me. He said deliberately
"Yes, I see your point", and chuckled.
 We laughed. Then he said,
"I know you have resented me for years and I understand. I want you to know I love you for who you are and who you will become always. Never let anyone make you feel second rate because of your sexuality, or for who you are. And, I will wait for to you love me. I love you son."

It is hard to tell this without tears welling up. Dad is a quiet soul with a mild stutter. He always seemed weak to me. I was not mature enough to understand his stoic brand of strength. He did not play that superhero comic role of masculinity. I knew in the moment he spoke those words how big a person it took to say them. It was an enormous thing to acknowledge my journey with him with so much love and peace. I was utterly humbled. Years of resentment fell away and never returned. He is a good man and a quiet hero.

My Mother was more like a Trojan Horse.The warrior spirit.We are very similar. After several years of patiently listening to me be confused Mum decided to take matters into her own hands. It was late, we were sitting at the kitchen table drinking tea. I had not yet converted to coffee. We sat at opposite ends of the kitchen table, exactly as I had with Dad. She studied me intently and silently. She took a puff of her cigarette. She did not smoke, she puffed, there was a difference apparently according to her. But, I digress.

"Julius, you talk about your sexual identity like someone who has longed to go to Rome.You have talked about it for years now. And , quite honestly, it is getting boring to the listener. I suggest  you buy a plane ticket, go to Rome and tell me all about your experience on your return", she said.
She took another 'puff' on her cigarette, stood up and said, "Good night".

That was it.That was my big coming out talk and it was defined as a 'flight to Rome'. She did call me Julius after all, which she explained was due to the fact she had a close affinity to Classical Rome. She had done her finals thesis on Roman Architecture at University. Also, the coffee is great there, by the way. That journey is also responsible for my conversion from tea to coffee. But, I digress.

Still a virgin, no plane tickets yet bought, Mum took me to see Daniel Day Lewis in "My Left Foot". I arrived late at The Bakers Street Cinema and met Mum in the lobby. At that moment a tall man with shoulder length blond hair turned around and smiled at me. He wore a black leather jacket and tight jeans. I recall a  classic handsome face. I smiled furtively and looked at Mum. She winked, smiled and nodded in conspicuous approval. The blond man noticed the exchange and smiled a broad smile. Oh lord, get me out of here, I thought. I was in denial that Mum was doing this. I was embarrassed.
The blond man opened the doors for us to go into the movie and smiled. Mum nudged me, winked  and smiled. I was still in denial that she was doing this.This is not my mother, I do not know this woman, was all I was thinking.

The movie ended. It was profound. It was moving. Daniel Day Lewis won an Oscar that year. But, Mum was more interested in the blond man who was walking up the stairs to the exit right in front of us and within earshot.
"You  know, now that young man is exactly the type of boy any mother would like to see her son bring home", she said loudly and not at me.
Oh no she didn't , came to mind, would the floor open up right now and swallow her, I said to my self, while grimacing.The blond man turned around smiling in agreement.
"There is a lovely hotel close by, we should all go for tea", she said to the entire lobby.
"Um, no Mother we are GOING home", I replied for the sole benefit of that entire lobby.

We were now in the street. It was dark out , the 159 red London bus rushed by us. The blond man was loitering about, wondering what would happen next.
"We are going home now", I said to the street.
My Mother looked at me and said,
"Hm, I should go out with you more often without me you will never a get a date!".

Looking back at that now I have to laugh. She was not entirely wrong in that assessment.

When I finally got laid. I arrived home after the deed was done. My parents were at that kitchen table and I announced.
"I am not a virgin anymore. I did it".
I finally bought that ticket to Rome.They paused.Mum took a puff on her cigarette, slowly. Dad choked on his tea. There was calm.
"Did you wear condoms?", Mother asked, always a practical woman.
"Yes", I replied.
"Good. Daddy go to bed , we can talk tomorrow", Mother said.He got up said good night and smiled.
"I feel like a shower , you know,  freshen up", I said.
"Good, I will make some tea and we can talk all about it", she said, tea being the answer every experience in life.

We drank tea and talked about everything last thing I did. We laughed. She kissed me good night. So, I went to 'Rome' and my parents were there with love to support me as they always have.

I know I am blessed to have experienced these two souls who just so happened to be my parents.

Peace