'Being Julia' and a cup of coffee....

I was thirty seven years old and living in New York. It was one of those movie days, a wet gray late afternoon in the city. I walked to Union square from Chelsea. I lived on fifteenth street, between seventh and eight avenues. I was looking forward to seeing the movie 'Being Julia", with Annette Bening. It was based on the novel 'Theater', by W.Somerset Maugham.

My whole being was electrified by it. Why?, because I wanted her expression at the end of the movie to be mine for my fortieth birthday. That was a look of quiet self acceptance that  embraced of the past and present in peace. To sit alone being your authentic self and be in perfect peace is, to me, the sole goal in life. Nothing will ever impress me but that quality in another person- nothing ever has. But, I wanted it for my self. That is what I recognized in that look in the last scene. I had three years. I knew I better get honest with my self and unpack the stories in my script that comprised the life I had lived to date.

You should see the movie. I do not want to give a synopsis. However, Julia is an actress who has learned to play the roles others had assigned her. She played them well. But, time and age made her question the validity of all those roles. Her life inevitably lost its foundation. She lost her way in life and scrambled without direction, but sort distractions instead. Those voices in her head of those ghosts that wrote her script faded and she was left stranded.

A beautiful metaphorical image runs subtly through the movie. She is always offered champagne, but she wants beer and potatoes. The world wants her to be champagne, and she sparkles and bubbles effortlessly in reply to her audience. But, in her heart she is more simple. At the end of the movie she orders that beer and drinks it. Her journey is one of a break down of self and a reclamation of her power. She takes the reins of the script of her life and reclaims the stage upon which she has built her career.

In William Shakespeare's play "As You Like It" these famous lines were written:
"All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages."

The stage is a metaphor for our lives and we, like Julia. play out roles given to us by parents, school, friends, social class, work, society and so on. Like actors we perform those roles with varying degrees of success. We feel creative, like masters of the stage and we are applauded for our performance.We can become dependent on that applause. There is some satisfaction in that , even fulfillment. But, true creativity comes from the author of that script, not the players. The author has the power. I wanted to be the author of my own script, not perform in someone else's play. That is what I saw in Julia. That is what I saw in that film.

I have mentioned the nuns at All Saints Convent in my Brief Encounter series.The nunnery was a hospice. I read case histories of those that had died. One such story was of a Polish man who was asked a very simple question.
" What was it do you think you were looking for in life, ultimately?", the interviewer asked.
"All I ever wanted was for someone to look at me as though they understood me,"he replied. He died two days later. It did not seem like he ever got that wish. It took him his entire life to figure out what it was he was looking for. His answer shocked me for its simplicity. It was a humble request from life and that moved me deeply. It is that simple, as it was profound. I never forgot it.

The beer in 'Being Julia' is a metaphor for simplicity. Champagne implies wealth, glamor, beauty, and worldly success.Yet, none of that matters to me, it never did or will.

I watched Julia's triumphant stage performance as she conquered her demons. Her vitality came from becoming the author of her life. You can feel that energy in another person. That is a magnetic energy to me, because I admire it. One is not a follower. One is not a leader. One is one self. That is all.

Julia sits "quiet, quiet alone" and drinks her beer.  Her enigmatic smile is tinged with irony, humor, wistful sadness and an awareness of the tragi-comedy that is life. It was beautiful moment and film ended.

How to reclaim that pen from the authors of my life?. I thought about it for three years. I started with the what would make me happy?. If Julia had her beer then what did I want?. I hate beer, so that was not going to work. That realization happened by accident. But, I do not believe in accidents. I believe everything has a purpose and lesson for our higher good.

My business partner was in Milan and she asked me what I wanted her to bring back to New York as a gift for me. I thought about and asked for a bag coffee.
"Is that all?. It is so cheap I could get you anything", she said.
"But, coffee makes me feel rich. I feel good knowing its there in the kitchen cabinet. I feel happy knowing I wake up to a good cup of coffee. It makes me happy. It is as simple as that", I replied.

And there was my answer. It was not beer, it was coffee. It is symbolic of the simple things of life that are beautiful. The simplest thing is to be your self.That is also the hardest thing. I do not want much other then that in my life. If I am loved for it, that is a gift. If I am not, then I was not meant to be loved. I take only my self to my grave.

Everything is fleeting. I remember that Polish patient who died expressing what he finally realized he wanted. I knew as a student that I wanted to know a lot sooner then my last two days what was my bliss. But, the coffee is symbol of what I found in my heart. It is both simple and complex because it has always been right under our noses. What we are told we should want often blinds to what we  truly want.

My fortieth birthday arrived. I went to Gusto on Greenwich ave and Perry st. A great Italian restaurant with great coffee. Friends had said I had to do a dinner for this milestone. It was wonderful. But, at the end of the dinner the waiter brought me that cup of coffee and I drank it and smiled.

peace.