When white is black, and black is white....

There is something about black coffee in white china cup that evokes calm.Pour in the cream and it turns a perfect shade of caramel. As my design students like to say it turns into a Dior brown.

I had brunch with a medical student on Sunday. He is a blond man of twenty eight, blue eyes, a clear white skin. An Aryan by all accounts. He is half black. His father is black. There is no trace of that in his visage. This he is aware of, and he is amused by his unique status in life.The irony is that guys had broken up with him using his mixed race status against him. They called him a half n*#@er. What type of gay man would say that?.

As a blond he is invisible as an ethnic minority to a white audience. He has heard guys say they do not like black guys, would never date a black guy, would never sleep with a black guy.These men assume, since he is white,  that they are safe to say it. But, they harbor such sentiments within their hearts and minds. Are we in 2012 ?, or 1950's America?.

Gay men. the LGBT community, know the impact discrimination has on their self esteem. They know the pain of not being accepted by family or the community they grew up in. They leave those communities for bigger cities to feel free to be who they are. They bemoan small town attitudes. So, why bother leaving it to escape discrimination when they feel comfortable perpetuating prejudice. Only this time its not them being targeted. I am not saying this is the entire LGBT commnity, but if this friend of mine has had this experience it makes you wonder who these racist gay men are!.

It got me thinking about race in the gay community.The "It Gets Better" campaign is a powerful force in preventing anti gay bullying in schools. It aims to prevent teenagers from suicide. It aims to let them know they are valued members of society. That they have a bright future of acceptance. That they should not give up on life.

Racism like bullying has the same effect. It disenfranchises and isolates an individual. They do not belong and are not valued as equal in the cities and schools they claim as home. The LGBT community knows the impact of discrimination, yet they are not averse to showing prejudice.That seems tragically ironic considering all the fuss over bullying in schools. But, they are content to be racist?.

The gay community likes to feel it is above such behaviors.Yet, looking at gay publications, the internet 'dating' sites (with statements like, no fems, no Asians, no Blacks) , and racial profiling at bars, one would not think there were any ethnic gays. They are invisible.The excuse is this: Am not racist,  but am sexually racist, I like what I like. But, the message an Asian, an African American receives from all this is simple: You are less and not worth my love or attention. How is this different to being bullied at school?. It is still abuse.

An individuals racial identity plays a role in how they feel connected to a social group within society. Latinos and African American can face intense homophobia within their own communities. Then face racism within the LGBT community.

The Trayvon Martin shooting is shocking, can this still happen ? the media asks. Yes, of course it can considering my friends experience being white, but half black.Everything starts with a thought that leads to, in an extreme case, the Trayvon murder. So, we should all check our thoughts, and the stereotypes we carry around with us. If we do not how can we honestly point fingers at bullies, bigots etc and say we are better then them.

I find at times that ethnic gay men are seen as a fetish not a person. It is like being a hooker, you do not bring the hooker home to meet the family. One is not loved. One is merely objectified and reduced to a sexual concept in the mind of the beholder. The wife or husband are loved as individuals. They are whole and complete entities who share a full life in public with the partner. They are not invisible as they bring  no shame, or fear of rejection from within the family or from the community. An interracial relationship brings certain challenges many do not want, or fear, to deal with.

Love should be blind, but it takes courage to stand by your partner when family or society does not accept it. The LBGT community fight for marriage equality. But, there is tension within the LGBT regarding interracial relationships. It is odd that no one likes saying that, or admitting it. To stand by that which you love, even if that is problematic due to prejudice, takes the courageous of heart. I admire those that have that strength.

The image of societal acceptance promoted by the LGBT community is the image of upper middle class white America. In order to belong to this we conform to it's ideals. There is a desire for those that embody it. If we are part of this club, we are accepted. That old cliche is true about wanting to be a member of the club that does not want you.

I thought of my friend and I reflected on the issue of being mixed race within this dynamic. I understand him. I am not black or white. I am gay. I am foreign. I am  British. I am  a minority within a minority. I am  unique. To be unique means to stand alone and embrace not being accepted by the whole. Strength lies in numbers they say. But, for me, that has never been a truth. My strength lies within my heart , mind and soul.

Peace,