Of Sinners and Saints..........

There is an empty white cup right under my nose at my desk right now. I rapidly gulped two cups of coffee already and am buzzed with organic brown sugar and caffeine.

While looking in the mirror this morning I looked at the crystal around my neck. I wear this quartz crystal as a reminder to listen to my inner wisdom. I used to have a silver cross that I bought when I was baptized at nineteen while a student at Oxford University, Worcester college.

At that time I defined Faith as Christian. In time I found that the religion itself mattered less then the spiritual path it revealed. I found myself at a cross roads of the soul. Am I Augustinian and be in mind and of spirit, or am I Dionysian and be of the heart and body. I am both 'sinner' and 'saint'. I could not be one without the other. I am an artist, I am body, I am mind, I am love, but mostly I am creative.

This passage from  Herman Hesse's novel, "Narcissus and Goldman", defines my journey better then I could. In it, Hesse ponders the idea that those who are in flesh, who do not fear life and who create out of this world of flux and hardship something of beauty, might be closer to God then those that fear life and remain in mind.:

"I have long since understood it. Our thinking is a constant process of converting things to abstractions, a looking away from the sensory, an attempt to construct a purely spiritual world. Whereas you take the least constant, the most mortal things to your heart, and in their very mortality show the meaning of the world. You don't look away from the world; you give yourself to it, and by your sacrifice to it raise it to the highest , a parable of eternity. We thinkers try to come closer to God by pulling the mask of the world away from His face. You come closer to Him by loving His creation and re-creating it. Both are human endeavors, and necessarily imperfect, but art is more innocent".

I do not believe crystals have intrinsic power, neither do I think wearing a cross brings you closer to God. When I am at the gym and I see my self pumping iron. I see several things, my muscles, my heart, my mind and my 'self'. They must be in balance. As this crystal catches the light it reminds me to keep all these elements in their right perspective in my life. It reminds me to listen to my 'inner voice', and to be fearless as I traverse that path. That path was revealed to me many years ago in Sussex on a late August afternoon in the corn fields of Southern England by the sea. But, that is another story.

To be without fear is key to remaining open to that path. To have faith in your inner voice and to have the strength to live your life from that place, like working out, takes time and discipline. After all it is your truth. Sometimes you must go where angels fear to tread and that place might well lie in your heart.

I recall a line from the film "Out Of Africa" that Robert Redfords character said to Meryl Streep's character Karen Blixen. He said,

" I do not want to wake up at the end my life and realize I lived someone else's".

I am both sinner and saint. I embrace both, I am whole. If I choose to fear what others think, I forfeit that freedom. It is within my power to choose. That power is not in my crystal, nor in my silver cross. It is within me. I am no ones, nor life's 'victim' as a result. And, I do not need to be saved.

peace

When white is black, and black is white....

There is something about black coffee in white china cup that evokes calm.Pour in the cream and it turns a perfect shade of caramel. As my design students like to say it turns into a Dior brown.

I had brunch with a medical student on Sunday. He is a blond man of twenty eight, blue eyes, a clear white skin. An Aryan by all accounts. He is half black. His father is black. There is no trace of that in his visage. This he is aware of, and he is amused by his unique status in life.The irony is that guys had broken up with him using his mixed race status against him. They called him a half n*#@er. What type of gay man would say that?.

As a blond he is invisible as an ethnic minority to a white audience. He has heard guys say they do not like black guys, would never date a black guy, would never sleep with a black guy.These men assume, since he is white,  that they are safe to say it. But, they harbor such sentiments within their hearts and minds. Are we in 2012 ?, or 1950's America?.

Gay men. the LGBT community, know the impact discrimination has on their self esteem. They know the pain of not being accepted by family or the community they grew up in. They leave those communities for bigger cities to feel free to be who they are. They bemoan small town attitudes. So, why bother leaving it to escape discrimination when they feel comfortable perpetuating prejudice. Only this time its not them being targeted. I am not saying this is the entire LGBT commnity, but if this friend of mine has had this experience it makes you wonder who these racist gay men are!.

It got me thinking about race in the gay community.The "It Gets Better" campaign is a powerful force in preventing anti gay bullying in schools. It aims to prevent teenagers from suicide. It aims to let them know they are valued members of society. That they have a bright future of acceptance. That they should not give up on life.

Racism like bullying has the same effect. It disenfranchises and isolates an individual. They do not belong and are not valued as equal in the cities and schools they claim as home. The LGBT community knows the impact of discrimination, yet they are not averse to showing prejudice.That seems tragically ironic considering all the fuss over bullying in schools. But, they are content to be racist?.

The gay community likes to feel it is above such behaviors.Yet, looking at gay publications, the internet 'dating' sites (with statements like, no fems, no Asians, no Blacks) , and racial profiling at bars, one would not think there were any ethnic gays. They are invisible.The excuse is this: Am not racist,  but am sexually racist, I like what I like. But, the message an Asian, an African American receives from all this is simple: You are less and not worth my love or attention. How is this different to being bullied at school?. It is still abuse.

An individuals racial identity plays a role in how they feel connected to a social group within society. Latinos and African American can face intense homophobia within their own communities. Then face racism within the LGBT community.

The Trayvon Martin shooting is shocking, can this still happen ? the media asks. Yes, of course it can considering my friends experience being white, but half black.Everything starts with a thought that leads to, in an extreme case, the Trayvon murder. So, we should all check our thoughts, and the stereotypes we carry around with us. If we do not how can we honestly point fingers at bullies, bigots etc and say we are better then them.

I find at times that ethnic gay men are seen as a fetish not a person. It is like being a hooker, you do not bring the hooker home to meet the family. One is not loved. One is merely objectified and reduced to a sexual concept in the mind of the beholder. The wife or husband are loved as individuals. They are whole and complete entities who share a full life in public with the partner. They are not invisible as they bring  no shame, or fear of rejection from within the family or from the community. An interracial relationship brings certain challenges many do not want, or fear, to deal with.

Love should be blind, but it takes courage to stand by your partner when family or society does not accept it. The LBGT community fight for marriage equality. But, there is tension within the LGBT regarding interracial relationships. It is odd that no one likes saying that, or admitting it. To stand by that which you love, even if that is problematic due to prejudice, takes the courageous of heart. I admire those that have that strength.

The image of societal acceptance promoted by the LGBT community is the image of upper middle class white America. In order to belong to this we conform to it's ideals. There is a desire for those that embody it. If we are part of this club, we are accepted. That old cliche is true about wanting to be a member of the club that does not want you.

I thought of my friend and I reflected on the issue of being mixed race within this dynamic. I understand him. I am not black or white. I am gay. I am foreign. I am  British. I am  a minority within a minority. I am  unique. To be unique means to stand alone and embrace not being accepted by the whole. Strength lies in numbers they say. But, for me, that has never been a truth. My strength lies within my heart , mind and soul.

Peace,

"Illusions are by their nature sweet".......

So, its 6.46am.There are two spoonfuls of sugar in my coffee.It adds a sweetness to the inherent bitterness of coffee, but the balance is perfect.One cannot have one without the other.

"Illusions are by their nature sweet"..said the Marquise de Merteuil in Choderlos de Laclos's ,'Les Liaisons Dangereuses'.I saw the film this week and read the book a few years ago. A great tale of deception and the vanity of public morality exposed and betrayed with epic results.This sounds strangely familiar today.

I was pondering what to write yesterday for this new blog.I am looking at a cup of coffee in a white cup, and as you know by now that makes me happy.Many things came to mind.I want to explore the Bait and Switch Game in greater detail. I have abbreviated it to the BS Game, perfect, right ?. It succinctly sums up much contemporary public discourse and the semantic manipulations to  defend ones deceptions by inventing a 'foe'. And, create illusions of truth for the masses to blindly rally around as result.

The BS Game , unlike that other darling of the Right, Mz.Trickle Down Economic Theory, does indeed trickle down from the top. I have noticed it in interpersonal dynamics. In particular amongst those who grew up in Christian, socially Conservative families.The rush to play victim to some 'demonic force' that is threatening you justifies a great deal of vindictive behaviors towards the 'other'. The internal narrative follows the script they grew up with and it is played on every new unwitting partner.It is usually invented as the means to justify the ends- control and power. That is the essence of survival, but it is not living. There is a difference. The latter requires no conscience and lying becomes a virtue.We have all noticed this game in poltics, there is alwasy an 'enemy', which justifies restricting our freedoms in the name of protecting them.That's a mind bender right there!

I love that new show 'Good Christian Bithces/Belles', or 'GCB',  as it is now called , and it is on tonight.This vindictive, vengeful behavior is sanctified. It is a great parody of this dynamic that unfolds daily in life. People who believe in this self delusion of their sanctity in the face of an 'enemy' need the latter to avoid seeing it is they who have become the hateful monster they fear. They cannot run, or hide as the monster is their creation. All one can do is walk away and wish them peace.I have and I do. And, I do so with love.

Peace.

More equal then others....

It is Friday, am armed with coffee, with half and half cream and two sugars and a cup full of perfection created!. It makes every morning a wonderful thing - my bliss!.

In a complex world simple things count.

This week has been surreal.The Republicans "War on Woman" has been denied by, of course, The Republicans. It is in fact a Liberal attack on Republicans according to them.The Bully is playing the 'victim' of those pesky Progressives. The issue is thus avoided and the victim role enables them to deflect attention away from their own aggression and project it onto the 'enemy'.That is correct that would be, drum role,The Democrats. Histrionics is key to this game.It is important to be hysterical, invoke Satan, Socialism, Nazism, suppression of Religion , fear  and make a lot of noise to achieve this goal.They do and it works.

This an artful game of Bait and Switch.

When the Republican Congressman Richard Hanna ( R-N.Y.) says at a rally for the Equal Rights Amendment on Thursday says this: Give your money to the Democrats.....

"I think these are very precarious times for women, it seems. So many of your rights are under assault," he told the crowd of mostly women.

Then there might well be cause for concern as to the erosion of equal rights for woman, gays, ethnic minorities , the unemployed, hell even the sick in contemporary America.But, I forget that the real victims are the Republicans and the top 1%.How heartless of me, do forgive me.

"If equality had been enshrined in the Constitution for these past 40 years, I wonder if we would still be hearing today from right-wing presidential contenders that women should not serve in combat, that women should think twice before they seek to work outside of the house, that women should not use birth control, and that women who do are called names that are not fit to repeat here," .Rep Carolyn Maloney (D-N.Y.)said at the same rally.

What is fascinating about this game of bait and switch is that while passing laws to penalize every minority in America and the less well off (not a minority these days) the same people these laws target are cast as The Aggressors when they seek to defend themselves against the Republican attacks.

Mitt Romney is now an Etcher Sketcher, Trayvon Martin was killed for being in the wrong neighborhood, Rush Limbaugh is the Victim, along with the NRA, according to Fix News.inc, oops, I meant Fox News.inc and  the list goes on.

I spoke to a student this past week before class began.We discussed the events in America I have written about today.
 "Well, there is no hope for me in this country then, is there?.I am Black, a Woman and Gay.Everything this Tea party Republican party hate is everything I am.Where would I go?."She said.

I hate the term victim.It is an unhealthy mind set.You loose your power playing that game in life.You literally are handing it over to whomever uses it for or against you.But, in truth, this is the impact these games, this public rhetoric has on real people's lives. This young woman should have HOPE for her future not doubt her rightful place in the future of this country.

Peace.

I have a dream of Normal.....

The wee hours morning seems to be time my to write this blog. The new addition to my list of routines. Yes, I have a good cup coffee with half and half cream and two sugars.This is bliss, the simple things, and that works for me to start the day.

That said, what does not work for me is the game of Chinese Whispers.This is my new name for what used to be called The News Media.An event occurs and by the time it reaches our ears the facts have been distorted.The tragedy of the death of Trayvon Martin, the seventeen year old African American boy who was gunned down for walking in a 'white ' neighborhood shocked us all.Fox News have hardly mentioned this story.Why is that not surprising?.But, I digress.

What shocks me is that this has been turned into a White vs Black battle.The murder took place in an Hispanic neighborhood, not a white one. Hispanics are also a minority, lest we forget.

The Black vs White paradigm stirs up historical, and current, racial divisions and makes a great media story. It has polarized public opinion, generating heated debate, as it should.But, this is an irresponsible thing for the media to do. Why ?, it is not only about White vs Black. It has everything to do with ethnic minorities hatred of each other in a climate where both African Americans and Hispanics are being disenfranchised.It is watching minority groups turn against each other when they should stand united in a common cause for mutual equality and respect in society.

Hispanics in Florida can be racist toward African Americans.And, that is true in reverse. I lived there.It is a fact of life.In the gay community a high percentage of gay Hispanics only wanted white partners, not black ones.It might be unpopular to say that, but it's an unspoken truth. To witness  minority groups, who are not loved by the Republican Party, repeat the pattern of racism, that they complain of, toward each other is short sighted and blindingly ignorant.They mirror the racism they seek to end.That irony is not lost on me.

We also share a collective guilt regarding this incident.Be honest now and think about this construct: A black male teen in a white neighborhood = potential criminal.A white teen in a black neighborhood = potential victim.That is what most people automatically think.Come on you know its true!. It is easy to say the police are bad, and point fingers, but I know many people who jump to the same conclusions, but who have to edit that first thought understanding the prejudice that created it.They are not bad people, they just grew up having that perception beaten into their brains.But, they have an awareness of that internal pop up thought given to them by society enough to edit it.That is not true for everyone.

It is good that racism is exposed.It is ugly and we should reflect on the ugliness we our selves hold within us and not point fingers at others until we can all one day say : A black male teen in white neighborhood = perfectly normal.A white male teen in black neighborhood = perfectly normal.

So, normal is a wonderful thing.Am not hoping for the extraordinary, just a spoonful of normal.It is beautiful and attainable.

Peace

A disturbed 'friend'....

It is Wednesday morning.My second cup of coffee in hand.It has to be good coffee, half and half cream and two sugars.The day begins as it is meant to.Routines are so important to honor!. I have several.

I arrived in the America in 1995.I liken the U.S  to having a fascinating crazy 'friend', full of contradictions and absurdities that one has to accept in order to love it.Seventeen year later I still that 'friend'.

But, time marches toward the November Elections and that has unhinged this volatile 'friend' I used to know. I am no longer sure I recognize that 'friend' who welcomed me in 1995. The underbelly is revealing old scars that the world thought on their way to being healed.t

I have watched the parade of Presidential candidates on the New Republican Right who speak in slogans.I have been reading about the Republicans Tax and budget plan.A study in pure Social Darwinism, reward the rich and cut off all help to those that need it. The irony being this is the same party of 'Faith' who refute Darwin's theory of Evolution.Fox News being 'fair and balanced' as always, are using the murder of Trayvon Martin to reveal that the real 'VICTIM'  under attack is the National Rifle Association.

So, the NRA is now in fact the real 'victim', according to the logic at Fox.On America Live, Trace Gallagher said: “the alleged gunman claim[ed] it was self-defense, and now anti-gun advocates say the 911 calls from some witnesses prove otherwise, and they’re using them as ammunition in a new attack on the National Rifle Association.”

Am sure all our hearts are bleeding for the NRA.Oh, yes, that a mother lost her child is now an after thought?. How Christian it is to care for the NRA in it's time of need.Fox does stand for 'real' American values after all. Am sure its viewers will preach that from the pulpits until The Rapture.

It is only 8.45am , damn this requires another coffee!. I am left with mouth agape this morning. And, I am forced to ponder on this: That Americans seem to be showing the behavior of an abused child who no matter how much they are abused by 'Dad' they keep coming back for 'his' approval. Is there a collective low self esteem gone rampant?. I cannot make sense of the fact that low income Americans support this party. That they feel a need to support the top 1% is baffling to me. And, they vote to protect Mr Trickle Down Sugar Daddy ( the top 1%) from paying any taxes while they loose their homes and get no education, all in the name of Jesus!.Faith being a key element in this abusive relationship made manifest on a national scale.

Oh God, I think I need to go to the gym and blow off some steam.

Peace,

And so it begins.....

Tuesday 20th March 2012

This is new chapter of life. Julius Lumsden is writing a Blog! How did that happen? Why is this interesting to anyone? I ask my self. Trust me, I think that as I type.

I called it An Englishman Abroad, a wandering spirit. That would be true for me as life unfolded. It all began with a poem, yes a poem .Rainer Maria Rilke's “ The Dove that ventured outside” spoke to my heart. I knew its truth then as I do today. This would be my life lesson.

“Dove that ventured outside, flying far from the dovecote:

housed and protected again, one with the day, the night,

knows what serenity is, for she has felt her wings

pass through all distance and fear in the course of her wanderings.

The doves that remained at home, never exposed to loss,

innocent and secure, cannot know tenderness;

only the won-back heart can ever be satisfied: free,

through all it has given up, to rejoice in its mastery.

Being arches itself over the vast abyss.

Ah the ball that we dared, that we hurled into infinite space,

doesn't it fill our hands differently with its return:

heavier by the weight of where it has been.”

I lived the poem. I recognized that it at eighteen, while a student at Oxford University and it remains true today as a I write this first page of my new blog.......