Regret?.....'je ne regrette rien'

I was taken by surprise in class when a student asked if I regretted anything. It was the end of the semester, the end of the last class and it was a Q&A moment before sending them on their way into their future.

"Do you regret anything?", the student asked.

"No, I do not regret anything. To regret would require that I miss yesterday. It would imply that yesterday was better then today. Yesterday is dead. All I have is today. And, right now is good. So, why live in the past ?. It is dead.", I replied.

This exchange got me thinking more about regret. I do not regret anything. I see no reason to go back over any so called mistakes because on reflection I don't see any. These experiences made me who I am today. It is a waste of that experience to regret it. That cripples you in the present. In those moments I did what I did, said what I said  and acted as I sincerely felt in that moment. I do not regret being true to my self.

Do I wish I could change my past?. No. I chose each step and own each one of them. I am no man's victim. I learned to accept everything about myslef from the beginning to this moment in which I type these words. I think that is what I have been doing in San Francisco over the past year, collating all the narratives of my life, embracing them, understanding them and letting then go. This city is the only city I have lived in where one can be meditative in an urban setting.

Some relationships end and I don't regret those either. It is important to let go in life, you don't own anyone to begin with. I was chatting on Facebook with someone who mentioned that people left him behind, which left him with a 'woe is me' narrative. That narrative only reinforces itself and brings no peace. How can anyone leave anyone behind anyway ?. We are not in a race, as we are alone on our respective life paths. We leave each other behind in equal measure at the exact moment our connection expires.

Edith Piaf famously sang this song  'Je ne regrette rien'. I regret nothing. I found the English translation. It is worth noting that last two lines are full of joy of being in the present with the bloom of unfettered love unhindered by the past:

No, absolutely nothing

No, I regret nothing
Not the good that has been given
Not the bad, it's all the same to me

No, absolutely nothing
No, I regret nothing
It is payed, done, forgotten
I don't care about the past

With my memories
I light the fire
My pains, my pleasures
I don't need them anymore
I'm done with the loves
and all their troubles
I'm done for ever
I start over with nothing

No, absolutely nothing
No, I regret nothing
Not the good that has been given
Not the bad, it's all the same to me
No, absolutely nothing
No, I regret nothing
Because my life, because my joys
today, they start with you

In truth we are in a perpetual state of leaving even our selves behind , since we our selves change. Are you the same person you were ten years ago?. Everything changes and I don't regret that either. It is life. Life is beautiful and the today as you read this the "sun is still in the sky and shining above you. Let me hear you sing once more like a you did before. Sing a new song Chiquitita.Try once more like you did before. Sing a new song...." ('Chiquitita' -song chorus lyric by Abba).


peace


Painting by Edward Hopper

Male beauty past, present and future...

The opening scene of Ridley Scott's sequal to the 'Alien' franchise, 'Prometheus', was stunning. This mysterious beautiful creature appeared by this waterfall. His alabaster muscular body was weirdly erotic. The skin was pure white and the texture like an amphibian - translucent. He was a living sculpture. He was at once utterly alien, and yet profoundly familiar.

Where had I seen this face before, that both drew me toward it and yet repelled me?. As I pondered this, I realized that this beautiful creature was, and has been, a part of western culture for centuries. He is not a product of our future. He is a product of our past. He was an ideal long before Christ and seemingly an ideal of the future.

This classical Greek sculpture above has exactly the same face. The curve of the lip, the prominent chin, the strong brow and nose, and the white marble skin. This alien of our imagined future was man's ideal of male beauty in the distant past. This heroic image of man has traveled through the centuries. In the 20th century, this classical ideal found favor in Fascist Italy in its art (see below). Nazi Germany used this archetype to send a message of power in the creation of a Thousand Year Reich, like Rome.

In fashion during 1990's photographers like Herb Ritts and Bruce Weber, sort models whose bodies and faces alluded to this classical past. This image of man has the same timeless beauty that the Egyptian sculpture of Nefertitti still holds over an ideal female beauty today. High cheeks bones, sculpted brows, almond black lined eyes, firm jaw, straight nose, full red lips, and long neck.Think of the 1950's 'Look' and ideal's of beauty today in Vogue.

I discovered that Ridley Scott's  inspiration for this creature, known as the 'Engineer' in 'Prometheus', was derived from three main sources: Elvis Presley, Michelangelo's 'David' and The Statue of Liberty.

It is amazing to see the connection between these three elements and history. Yet, the faces are the same.The same ideal has been passed down the ages and into the future. In an age if cinematic technology many people thought this 'Engineer' was a product of a computer. In fact, this is a real man, not a 3d animation.


The images below show the process of becoming this strange beautiful creature that captured many an imagination. And, this is the man himself.

There is something erotic about this character and yet he is paradox. The 'engineer' is simultaneously new and yet a classical fixture of Western Art. When he appeared by that waterfall and disrobed in the opening scene I drew a breath of awe at the beauty he possessed. I was fascinated with this eternal 'look' he embodied. I must add this image transcends race, the skin is not skin, it was once marble, now made flesh. I think man has always sort out beauty, and once during the Greco-Roman period they found God, the Divine,  in the human form - man as God.

Peace.

My Life as a Monk ...

We are more then the 'stuff' we collect to define us. I have often let go of 'stuff' and it has often let go of me. This fact has amused, annoyed, and baffled me over the years. But, it never effected me that much. I lost friends when I lost a perceived status. I acquired them when that status returned. Though disappointing, these people never once altered my sense of my worth. My worth was never placed in that which, to me, is transient. As I wrote in my blog about Buddha transience is life. So, the spiritual mattered more, Faith , God, call it by any name that means something to you.

I had not yet graduated from Oxford University. I was in my second year. Brother Benjamin would visit my college, Worcester, on occasion and told me about Ampleforth monastery in Yorkshire(picture at the top). He was a Benedictine monk and was studying Theology. I was fascinated by an alternative to this perception of material success that prevailed in the 1980's.

I did not want a life on a treadmill chasing 'stuff', which never felt true to me. I did not want to run in a race I did not create, that felt rigged from the start and whose goal post was forever out of reach. Life seemed too short for that. And, success meant what exactly?. I did not know. The image above speaks volumes. So, the opportunity to spend time in this monastry was something I could not refuse. It offered and alternate path in life to the one prescribed for happiness in society in the late 1980's - money, sex, worldly power.

My question was what remained of a person once they renounced all those definitions of self that defined them in a materialistic secular culture. People sacrificed everything to achieve that brand of success and subsequent validation in society all around me during those years. The movie "Working Girl' defined the era, as did the best selling book by Tom Wolfe, and movie, 'The Bonfire of The Vanities". Mammon ruled the day along with Reagan and Thatcher. I had not paid much interest in Eastern religions, but had read Herman Hesse at that time, so he sowed a seed for further study over the years.

Many people projected all sorts of sexual fantasies around my trip to Ampleforth monastery.They had no idea what monastic life was like and nor did I. A few thought it was a loss of individuality to become a monk that alarmed them. It seems to be many things to many people, though none had any actual knowledge of living in a monastery. I was intrigued by vows of chastity, poverty and obedience. I packed my bags and got on the train for Yorkshire with an open mind.

Ampleforth school was founded in 1802. It is also a Benedictine monastry. The monks here take a vow of Obedience, Stability and Hope. I was greeted by one of the Fathers and after I had settle into my cell. I walked out an took in the view. Corn fields with red poppies, green hedges, birds singing and a cool summer breeze swept gently through the valley.

The narrative for a successful life had been written for me. I loved what Oscar Wilde had to say about our lives:"Most people are other people.Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry , the passions a quotation." This is not what I was seeking.

The concept that entering a monastry meant that you lost your individuality was instantly obliterated. Fashion defines one, and fashion is an effective medium to avoid being your true self. We can escape into a new trend, and project a whole new image of self. We can attract an entirely new community based solely on what fashion we wear and belong to a tribe immediately as a result. However, that brown cassock does not allow that ability to hide who one is, one is forced to confront oneself. They cannot externally change to avoid internal truths. The monks individuality did not reside in their attire I discovered. It resided in them facing the challenges within and becoming completely uniquely themselves as a result. It is hard to explain, but it was amazing to witness.

Father Alexander was the 'radical', because he liked Carl Jung. He had wild brown curly hair and spoke like a revolutionary from a Russian novel. Father  Dunstable taught English and moved like a poet through the monastery with the grace of a beautiful sentence. I had never met anyone so utterly themselves that they almost became a parody. The monks had devoted much of their lives to God. The brown cassock at first made them look the same, but that lasted only seconds as you spoke and shared life jourenys'.

There was silence in my cell. I lay in bed each morning listening to it. A bell rang for morning prayer at 5.40am. It was dawn over the valley and I could hear the chants. It was serene. There was silence until Lauds at 7.30am (morning prayer). There was an evening prayer at 8.15pm , which was followed by The Summun Silentum, The Great Silence, that lasted until morning.

I spoke with Father Alexander often and on one particular afternoon over tea I talked about my childhood, life, my interests, my path and he said this," It appears you have always been aware of two worlds co existing at once.You straddle both and try to unite them. You live at the shore line and always have."

That is true. I have not gone into my spiritual path, nor my mystical experiences on this blog. I seldom ever speak of those to anyone. Which are very real and present to me. I play with the physical image of my self and project that, sometimes to avoid the stronger abstract spiritual tendency within me. Perhaps, my journey now is to return to that inner 'monk' and find the balance between the two selves. Maybe it is time reconnect to that 'shore line' that Father Alexander spoke of once many years ago now.

I do not believe in material things. I really do not seek them, nor care for them. I learned from the monks there is so much more then 'stuff' in life and refuse the treadmill. I will not adhere to this narrative of life, it was never mine. My path is certainly more lonely as a result, but I am not lonely, I never was, or will be. I am a 'strange bird' and I like 'strange birds' as I am beginning to realize.

peace.

Coffee with my friends Reflection and Alone...

I bet you thought this image to be depressing, or sad.  Go on admit it, you probably did. There is shame surrounding feelings of loneliness, and who likes to reflect too much in fear of uncomfortable feelings emerging that you cannot deal with, or face. That said, the house has been still. The kettle is whistling as the water comes to a boil. The coffee is freshly ground. I poured the water onto the filter perched on top of the white china mug. It smelt good.

This month themes of love, beauty, change, endings, politics, Left vs Right, Faith, gifts in all shapes and sizes, the loss of my phone, the loss of 500 telephone numbers, turned out to be liberating from being endlessly connected to Facebook and email alerts. All these thoughts passed through my mind. The theme that gradually emerged is that everything is transient and everything ends and all 'chapters' in life close at some point. I like that about life. I wrote about it in my blog about the Buddha, Linda Evangelista and so forth. If you have not figured it out yet, am intrigued by transcience.

This feels like a very interior day for the mind. I guess am pensive about Dad, his health, and Mum. It is odd being alone, no one around and silent in this moment looking out on the back yard and looking at newly planted flowers. And yet, if I personify alone and make Alone a friend, am very happy in his company. Alone is a 'him' apparently. At that point reflection suddenly materialized as Reflection and he is also a 'him' it transpires.

I realized that my friends Reflection and Alone were with me always in life. They are loyal companions. They are always welcome in my life. They provide space to think and regain perspective on my life. There are those " who am I now?" moments that require only their company. The dialogue is always based in truth, they tend to shatter my illusions and bring me back to reality even when harsh. The loss of my phone cut out a lot of noise. Those that have subsequently reached out to me are clearly meant to be in my life. They thought about me, and did something about it. That is good to know and not to be forgotten. I am in a letting go mode right now. This is a cocooning time. That happens in life often. I found immense peace in the release of people and things recently.

Reflection and Alone got me thinking about family and Britain again. My parents are blessed that for 49 years they have had each other. Their 50th Anniversary is next year!. I cannot honestly say I ever felt loved by a man in the way they love each other. I never felt I was 'special' to them. On reflection it felt like I was more of a passing fancy, like a new handbag to be worn for the moment, to be used, until some thing else came along. An honest feeling that I have no qualms about stating. I feel neither a positive, or negative emotion around this admission. It merely 'is'.

My parents are each others rock. I have always had to be my own. I know am blessed. I grew up knowing what love was because I saw theirs and I am their son. They love me unconditionally. I realize I know no other brand of love then the one I learned from them. That is their legacy and my gift.

While I was saying this to Alone and Reflection over coffee this afternoon, I can see why the men I was in relationships with looking back make me realize this. They were never loved unconditionally by their families. They never felt good enough for them. Religion, usually Christianity, but the first was Jewish, and other basic prejudices were the predictable reasons. That is what they knew of love, and that is what they gave me. I cannot resent this. It just is not what I wanted. I see that very clearly right now, in this very this minute. The coffee is really good too.

I think my two friends Alone and Reflection helped me find my other dear friend that got lost in the noise that has since been silenced. Her name is Still Small Voice. She has a long name, somewhat aristocratic and very elusive as a result. She deigns to show up,  if you know what I mean. Have you met her yet?. She is definitely a 'she'. Sometimes you can only have coffee with Still Small Voice when Reflection and Alone are around. A quiet a shy type I discovered, but when Reflection and Alone are around she soon follows. It is when she shows up that all things fall into place. She shows you the truth of any relationship, circumstance, or change you must make. She is a beautiful mirror that gently shows you what you want to avoid seeing, but she makes you face it in peaceful acceptance of what 'is'. 

So, in that empty room in the image above, one can find three fabulous friends, if you are not running away from silence and such interiors, Alone, Reflection and Still Small Voice and one is therefore never alone. I think I want a second cup of coffee, which will always be my bliss.


Peace.



 

The Sphynx...."I want to be alone" ...

Garbo never said this now famous line, in her own words she said, " I never said, " I want to be alone". I only said, "I want to be left alone". There is all the difference".  She was the most famous star in the world in her day and the press were relentless in its pursuit of her. So, her comment makes sense in that context. However, it served to enhance her enigmatic beauty and preserve her legend

Greta Garbo is a unique and timeless beauty from Hollywood's Golden era. Today, few seem to know who she was. Her face is iconic as it is modern. Her face is , unlike her contemporaries, still beautiful in 2012.

Garbo is a fascinating woman to me because she actually was an original. A rare thing. Her path was not typical, she was determined to live an authentic life and lived by her intuition. She had a wonderful sense of her stardom and was very down to earth about it.

"Being a movie star, and this applies to all of them, means being looked  at from every possible direction.You are never left in peace, you're just fair game".

She retired from movies at the age of thirty six. She spent the  remainder of her life avoiding the press. I loved the fact that she walked away from her fame and sort a solitary path. She never succumbed to fame's addictive narcissism. That is what fascinates me about her besides her timeless beauty.

It was her independence of thought that I admired. As a woman in the 1930's she challenged societies rules for what life a woman should want. Marriage and raising a family were at the top of that list. However, this is what Garbo said of that institution and that expectation,

" Why haven't I got a husband and children?', mused Garbo to the Duchess of Windsor, " I never met a man I could marry".

" There are some who want to get married and others who don't. I have never had an impulse to go to the alter. I am a difficult person to lead."

" If you are blessed, you are blessed , whether you are married or single".

" You don't have to be married to have a good friend as your partner in life."

I have often wondered why people assume they must be married or in a relationship. I was intrigued that she chose a another way of life. She did not fall into the prescribed story of what is meant to fulfill us in life. I liked that she actually thought about it, and chose a 'path less trodden' for her time, particularly for a woman. As Garbo said, and I found my life offers a testimony to this fact, "there seems to be a law that governs all our actions, so I never make plans".

She once said ,"Anyone with a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening". That is true. I rather like and trust those who grimace, make mistakes, get mad and drop the 'cocktail party happy' face.

Ultimately am not here to write biography on Garbo, rather explain my reason for being intrigued by this woman over the years. A great beauty who let go of stardom, Hollywood, fame, and all the addictive validating aspects of it, and above all let go of her beauty and therefore her power in a secular world. I admired that courage and that whatever path she was on she honored that. She seemed to do it without regard for what society though of her. It was done methodically and without doubt. She is in many respects a very modern woman. She led and did not follow. I like those who are not in herds. I always felt she chose her story for her life and avoided falling into a prescribed life that we are told often is what we are meant to want and don't question. We are in truth alone in life no matter how much we try to avoid it. She struck me as being unique soul, if not a strange bird. I like strange birds.

Peace.